Love and Courtship in Africa: Then and Now

In the past, African romance thrived on community-driven interactions. Courtship was a public affair, often facilitated by family members and village elders. A young man seeking a wife would be expected to display virtues of hard work, humility, and respect. Small yet meaningful gifts such as handcrafted jewelry, embroidered fabrics, or even a carefully written love letter served as tokens of affection. For many, a bag of maize flour or a traditional wrapper was more romantic than a designer handbag is today.

Even beauty standards were different. Natural hairstyles, often adorned with cowrie shells or intricate braids, symbolized grace and heritage. Skin radiated under the touch of locally made shea butter or coconut oil, and the aroma of indigenous perfumes blended seamlessly with the earth’s fragrance. Unlike today, where high-end makeup brands dominate, beauty then was a celebration of authenticity.

Public displays of affection were rare, and love was expressed in ways that were more subtle yet profoundly meaningful. A glance across the village square, a shared moment at the riverbank, or the simple act of fetching water together spoke volumes. Romantic outings were modest—perhaps a moonlit walk, a local festival, or an afternoon spent under the shade of a mango tree, enjoying the cool breeze.

Fast forward to the present, and love in Africa has undergone a seismic shift. With urbanization and digitalization, relationships have become more complex, often intertwined with economic considerations. Today’s courtship is no longer just about emotional connection; financial stability has taken center stage. Many women now prioritize a partner’s ability to provide security, while men grapple with the unspoken expectation to fund luxurious dates, weekend getaways, and lavish gifts.

The rise of social media has further altered the dynamic. The ‘soft life’ movement—a trend that celebrates luxury and comfort—has redefined romantic expectations. Couples now seek validation through curated Instagram posts, complete with aesthetic backgrounds and designer outfits. The pressure to present an idealized love life online has, in many ways, diluted the authenticity of relationships.

Moreover, beauty standards have shifted dramatically. The once-celebrated natural look has been replaced by high-maintenance aesthetics. Brazilian wigs, full-glam makeup, and designer perfumes have become markers of attractiveness. Skin-lightening products, despite health concerns, continue to thrive in the market, fueled by the desire to meet Eurocentric beauty ideals.

For men, impressing a potential partner now often means financing a lifestyle rather than demonstrating character. A dinner date at a high-end restaurant, a surprise trip to Zanzibar, or even a designer handbag can make or break a relationship. Phrases like “If he wanted to, he would” dominate discussions on love, emphasizing financial capability over emotional depth.

What Have We Lost—and What Have We Gained?

While modern relationships offer independence and empowerment—particularly for women who now have the financial means to make their own choices—the essence of romance seems to have diminished. Love has become increasingly transactional, with some viewing relationships as economic partnerships rather than emotional unions.

Yet, not all hope is lost. Many couples in Africa are finding ways to merge traditional values with modern realities. Some still value genuine connections over materialistic gestures, prioritizing compatibility and shared visions for the future. There is also a growing movement toward self-love and authenticity, where individuals embrace natural beauty and prioritize emotional intelligence over financial wealth in relationships.

The key lies in balance. While financial stability is undeniably important, love should not be reduced to a price tag. Revisiting the past and drawing lessons from simpler times can help African couples cultivate relationships based on mutual respect, emotional depth, and shared experiences.

Perhaps, in the rush for modern romance, we can take a moment to rediscover the joy of holding hands, whispering sweet words, and walking side by side—without the pressure of Instagram-worthy perfection. After all, love, at its core, is about connection, not currency.